Wednesday 20 July 2016

DADDY LEARNS A LESSON IN CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

I was home early one day last week. Had taken the day off from work and spent the afternoon working out of a Starbucks. I am developing a weakness for the hot version of their Mocha-cookie-crumble (sigh). Not that, that was the reason I was there! I was researching on something online and the free wi-fi was a big help. After spending a few hours boring into the laptop screen, I decided to shut work for the day and head home.

It is a pretty nice feeling to be home before sundown. You know, when I can stand in my balcony and look far across the city skyline, like a king surveying his kingdom. From the Chembur hills to the left to the metro tracks on the right, snaking through a crowded urban jungle. It was this thought that I carried with me as I rang the doorbell. One cup of steaming hot tea, bowlful of munchies and a nice how-was-the-day chat with Suni - I was looking forward to a quiet, chilled evening. The watch showed half-past 6.

As I stood waiting for the door to be opened, I suddenly heard something that sounded like a crowd barging towards the door. Before I could think, the door sprung open. Baani surfaced from behind it, which she was struggling to hold open (it's a pretty heavy wooden door and the monsoon breeze from the balcony was pushing it). Barely had she seen me, she shrieked with joy, "Daddy! My daddy!"

I hadn't expected her to be home. But I reckoned she hadn't gone downstairs to play due to the likelihood of rain.

"Hey darling. (I gave her a tight hug) How come you haven't gone anyplace to play today? Or are you going now?", I inquired.

"Daddy.. It is the rainy season. So my mamma has told me that it could rain any moment. So I shouldn't go downstairs to play (her lips pouted into that sad face kids make when they are faking sadness)."

"Oh ho. That is sad. Mamma said that, did she? But she is right, darling. So what are you doing about it then?"

"Daddy.. Since I cannot go down to play as it is the rainy season and it may rain any moment, I have called my friend Nandini to my home. Look look, here she is." And Nandini emerged from Baani's room.

"Well, hello Nandini. How are you, beta?", I said cheerfully and put my hand gently on her head.

Before Nandini could react, Baani screamed out, "Daddy! You know what Nandini did? I told her not to play with my Barbie mermaid because I was playing with her. I told her that she could play with the Elsa and Anna (for the uninitiated, they are the two sisters from the kiddie flick 'Frozen'). So she was playing with them.". She stopped to catch her breath.

"So.. what is the matter then, now?", I asked. Clearly Baani was pissed. Nandini was upset and stood as though guilty.

Baani continued, "Then.. Sometime later, I wanted to play with Elsa and Anna. But now Nandini says, she won't give them to me since she is playing with them. Daddy.. I told her it's my house and these are my toys."

And Baani had that sad-face pout once again.

I looked at Nandini who looked quite bewildered at the goings-on. I wasn't sure how she felt. She certainly didn't look hurt or angry. In fact, she had the it-happens-all-the-time look. Now, I really couldn't understand how serious this matter was. Baani can tend to over-dramatise things sometimes. It is one of those scenes again, I told myself.

"Okay okay.. Now both of you listen up.. Play with whatever you want to play and then share it after some time with each other. Okay? (Baani looked confused now, Nandini remained confused). Baani, since you have called Nandini home, you must share your toys with her. Okay? And Nandini, since you are older to Baani, share the toys with her too.. That is what elder children do. Okay?"

With this rather lame attempt at patching things up (I wasn't even sure if there was anything real to patch up), I gave the classic Daddy's-word-is-final look to both the girls. They both ran back into the Baani's room.

Sometime later, when I had changed and come out, I learnt from Anu (Baani's nanny) that Nandini had apparently cried and left. She had proclaimed that she would never come to Baani's home to play. And she added, that if Baani still wanted to play with her, she would have to go to Nandini's home. Baani of course, continued to play in her room with all her assorted dolls.

I resolved to speak to Baani about this the next day. I did not feel like taking this matter up that evening. With my cup of tea, and couple of chairs in the balcony, I managed to spend the evening the way I had envisioned :)

Next day, when I got home, Baani had just finished her dinner and was watching Dora scampering around Blueberry hill on TV. I had changed and returned to the living room, when I remembered that I wanted to ask about how things were with Nandini.

"Baani.. How was your day, honey?"

"It was good, Daddy.", she replied without looking at me. She was tracking Dora's progress intently.

I gestured her to put the TV off and talk to me. Rather reluctantly, she did so.

"So what happened with Nandini yesterday? What was all that fight about?"

"Fight? With Nandini? Oh.. yes.. Daddy.. You know.. (and then she recounted all that happened the previous day).. But now, we are friends again."

"You are friends again? What does that mean? (how conveniently kids sometimes leave out just the key part of a narrative!)"

"Daddy.. See.. I did not let her play yesterday. So, she wouldn't come to my place today to play."

I got that. What I did not get is how did Baani even expect Nandini to come, if invited. Anyway..

"And ..?", I asked.

"So, I went to her place to play."

Huh? What? That did not make sense. I was beginning to feel glad that I hadn't delved into this mess yesterday. Okay, so far so good. But how did the two make up?

"Since I didn't let her play with my dolls yesterday, today she didn't let me play with her dolls. So, I became very sad and cried."

And then?

"And then, my Anu didi explained everything to me.. So.. I said sorry to Nandini. And she forgave me. Then she said sorry to me. And I forgave her. And then she let me play with her dolls. Now, we are good friends again. That's it... Can I go back to watching Dora now? Pleeeeeease."

That's it? It was that simple?

"Sure honey, it is a good thing that you both are friends again." I surrendered, completely unable to impart any of the lessons I had planned to. I had no reason to do so, as the little crisis had simply been taken care of by the parties involved. Quite simplistically, I must admit.

How often have any of us sat back and reflected on the tiffs, arguments or the full-blown spats that we all are part of, from time to time? Why do these simmer for so long in some cases? Why do we need the mediation of an outsider to resolve issues? What compels us to hold grudges and misgivings about others, when a simple sorry from both sides could easily diffuse the tension?

There is a child in each of us. That wants to forgive and be forgiven. And move on.

After all, what good will holding on to yesterday, bring to our lives today anyway?

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